Attachment patterns in your relationship: claiming or fleeing?
Separating or staying together?
A relationship is preferably a setting in which you feel safe. Yet many find, that a relationship presents them with challenges. Among those who have unsafe attachment experiences, this is more often the case. In that case, a relationship can contribute to beautiful personal growth.
Whether that ultimately results in a long-term secure relationship depends on the extent to which both partners are allowed and dare to grow from and with each other. And the degree to which they eventually see through any fears and 'unmet' needs from their youth and take responsibility for them themselves. This also applies to relationships with others. Friends or colleagues, for example. So useful to recognize your own patterns and not point fingers at the other.With 6 steps that I outline at the end of this blog, you can facilitate this growth process.
What are Attachment Patterns?
John Bowlby once studied behavior of children in an orphanage and translated it into how children attach to their parents. His research provided an amazingly clear picture of how these attachment patterns can also determine how we connect with others later in life.
There are four attachment patterns. (For an explanation, see this English-language video) by Diane Poole Heller. I split them for simplicity into three: securely attached or insecurely attached and for the latter: needy or fleeing.
Secure attachment
If you are securely attached, then you have a nice starting point in terms of self-esteem and are more likely to be confident in relationships later on. When there are problems in a relationship (e.g., emotions, or disagreements), you will usually not easily feel unsafe. You can therefore empathize more easily with your partner as soon as they show feelings or emotions, without losing your own self-esteem or security.
You can see more quickly that your partner is momentarily “off balance” and can reflect on what is needed for both of them to maintain a loving relationship. When there is a repeating pattern of imbalance, a securely attached person more readily says goodbye to his or her partner, guarding his or her own life's happiness. Literature says that about 70% of us are securely attached but this might be an optimistic and somewhat outdated number. Securely attached people have, what we also call, a “secure base.
With insecure attachment patterns, there is a greater chance later in life of ending up in relationships in a dance of neediness/abandonment anxiety versus attachment anxiety/ escape or isolation behavior. Experiences in relationships after childhood, for that matter, can still change your attachment patterns. So it is important not to always look (only) at your childhood experiences.
Of course it seems attractive for someone with an insecure attachment pattern to 'look' for someone with a secure attachment pattern. But this one, as indicated with insecure patterns, is more likely to stand up for himself. And, ultimately, of course, it is about what deep feelings you develop for someone. Love is something of “chemistry” and of the heart. With that, an insecurely attached person seems condemned to have unstable relationships. But personal growth can prevent that. And the very act of entering into a relationship can foster that growth. “Every disadvantage has its advantage” Johan Cruijff would say ‘Go for it together to overcome yourself’. And that's just the way it is.
Insecure attachment: bonding anxiety and separation anxiety.
If you are unsafely attached you can develop a pattern of 'neediness'. You unconsciously (!) project the desire to be understood, accepted and loved by your parents onto your partner. Or, conversely, you develop an unconscious (!) pattern of avoidance or ambivalence in which you run away or are absent during tensions. Those tensions often arise from a “trigger” (for example, a disagreement, ambivalent behavior of not agreeing with anything or conversely just claiming behavior, or random something that can touch your “fears”). But the triggers are then intensified by your 'reptilian brain' (see below) which puts you into a kind of 'basic fear or aversion' which will eventually cause you to flee or claim.
The trap for someone with 'neediness' is to fall into over-analyzing and communicating or even manipulative behavior. From an unconscious fear of not being worthwhile. You often don't do something unconditionally but hope to achieve something in the end: recognition and bonding. Feeding the illusion that as long as you are understood, or as long as you give someone what they want, there will be understanding and acceptance.
This can be an outcome but is often short-lived. With every fear-trigger, the “neediness” comes around the corner again. Too bad because this often results in eventual separation or relationship stress anyway.
For someone with commitment anxiety, the trap is to flee or freeze in one's own safe space. Literally, but also figuratively, in pointing out all possible reasons and arguments why your relationship cannot work. The beauty is (for a while) no longer seen, and arguments not heard, or turned into negative affirmations (this won't work, this is why I doubt so much etc.).
Fear feeds the basic idea that freedom is better, or others may be better, than facing one's own unpleasant feelings or emotions or fears. “Don't whine too long but pick up the thread and move on” is the motto. And denial of the problem results in a refusal to look at it or talk about it. Resulting in frustration for partners. Which in turn are seen as an alibi for an escape. And the vicious circle is complete.
This is a pity because the latter is precisely the reason why people with commitment anxiety often not only get into their patterns but also keep repeating them. They do not process emotions, are therefore often allergic to emotions in others, do not dare to bond, and flee from partner (to partner) and always find reasons that this partner 'is not ok'. But by doing so, they also deprive themselves of the option to be able to learn and grow. And to be able to have true emotional attachment.
With that, the chances for a stable relationship for either needy or refugee seem slim. But both, if they have the courage to dare to learn and grow, can actually learn immensely and experience greater life happiness. With or without a partner. Self-love (and therefore inner safety), being able to distinguish 'fear triggers from limbic/reptilian brain' from 'reasons', and daring to communicate is the key. At the end of this blog I discuss six steps to shape this growth.
Example:
Mike and Suzy met and an enormous beautiful energy immediately arose. Within a short time they feel an enormous love and connection toward each other. Sexually they experience an enormously fine energy. And in terms of values and life goals they also know how to find each other. They enjoy each other to the fullest.
But Suzy sometimes unexpectedly withdraws, or decides to do fun things like parties or festivals without sharing anything with Mike, which makes Mike's fear of abandonment grow. He really doesn't always have to go along, but wonders why Suzy just doesn't tune anything out. He seeks understanding from Suzy, which actually convinces her even more that Mike is indeed not a suitable partner for her. She experiences it as oppressive or claiming, and has no desire to be accountable. After temporarily “separating” three times, Suzy decides that the must follow her inner voice of doubt and separate permanently.
The question is whether Suzy's inner voice is not simply her “fear of commitment". After all, usually the relationship with Mike is “heavenly. But as long as Suzy does not dare to look her fear in the eye, and points to Mike as the cause of her fear, she will not be open to do something about her own fear of commitment (caused by her attachment pattern of wanting to isolate herself out of safety). And she will be blocked from being able to calmly name Mike's feelings or emotions, and talk to him about them. And as long as Mike does not see through that not Suzy's behavior, but his own inner neediness can indeed lead to claiming behavior, his relationship with Suzy will remain explosive.
Mike finally discovered that part of the cause of the divorce was in his neediness, and decides to go to therapy after this umpteenth loss. And discovers that his neediness is only counterproductive. He learns with exercises to “shrink” his fears (see below) and sees through the selffulfilling prophecy. He regrets his fierce reaction to Suzy's announcement to say goodbye, and has apologized for that. He realizes having had too little understanding for Suzy's blind spot, blinded by his own neediness. The next relationship will show whether he has learned something and actually managed to change his deep fear.
Suzy sees in Mike's fierce reaction to the end of the relationship only a confirmation of her decision. She does not communicate about her own role because she particularly flees fromMike and, not naming all the beautiful things, does not feel like looking back at all those unpleasant things. After all, they evoke unpleasant feelings and emotions. She experiences herself as enormously social and understanding, but does not realize that as soon as her limbic/reptilian brain is activated, she falls into completely different patterns.
This is unfortunate, because Suzy and Mike really love each other. And the question is whether both will experience a deeper sense of security and love with another partner. If they had been open to each other's basic needs, had not started pointing the finger at each other and had seen through their own fears and dared to say them out loud, they would have ended up in a perfect relationship.
Basic human needs
There are three basic needs that every human being has: to be appreciated for who you are (1), for what you do (2) and to feel safe and accepted, even if you show feelings or emotions (3).
The trick is to see through, that insecure attached people really want to fulfill these needs (!), but unfortunately both can be unconscious victims of deeply stored inner fears. They are both victims of their “limbic” or even “reptilian” brain and traumatized (para)sympatic nervous system. Suzy's inner voice of doubt is fed by it, and so is Mike's urge to want to be heard. These fears come up from their limbic or reptilian brain / (para)sympatic nervous system and often cannot be 'reasoned out' by their neocortex at the same time.
As long as you don't see through this, you run the risk of at best “reasoning out” your fears, but being unable to do much about them. Your reptilian brain simply requires a different 'healing' process.
So it is often not unwillingness, misunderstanding or intent. Both persons want nothing more than to lovingly fill the beautiful relationship in which their fears arise. But driven by deep inner fears, both fall into their trap: becoming overly needy or fleeing. And now be honest. A relationship without the occasional moment of tension is very rare indeed.
If you understand this, you can be open to growing and learning together.
The laws of love
Dr. Sue Johnson spent many years studying what the essence of a loving relationship is. In essence, it is about safety, by being there for each other at times when fears come into play. “To reach out to each other.” This video explains beautifully how that works.
Or not getting stuck in your fears, but giving each other a sense of security by acknowledging each other's feelings and emotions. Not trying to eliminate them (by the needy: by over-analyzing or manipulating, or by the bonding anxious: by fleeing and seeing in everything an alibi that things can be better). But rather by acknowledging feelings and emotions of the other and not “owning” them and just letting them be the “growth challenge” of the other. Without insisting on this.
This 'being there for each other' creates a bond that greatly reduces your fears.
6 steps in breaking patterns of neediness or commitment anxiety
But how do you break your pattern of neediness or flighty behavior? The trick is to realize that you have your own pattern to break, and not the pattern of your partner. So don't point fingers, but ask yourself. Unfortunately, if one of you does not see through this, a (long-term harmonious) relationship is usually not an option. People want to change but do not want to be changed.
The following six steps can help:
1. Learn to recognize your inner 'voices'
Are you following the voice of your 'fears' or are you following the voice of hope and love (Your 'heart')? Be aware that your fears often 'house' in your limbic or reptilian brain. This is why you can love someone immensely but still experience doubts. Reptile brain, limbic brain and neocortex feed into each other in different ways. The fears are often triggered (aroused) by something, but actually have little to do with your partner as such. It is very important to realize that (“my fears are related to unsafe feelings before, but not to this partner, as soon as I calm down I notice that I care immensely about my partner!”). This mechanism of experiencing fear, resting, transcending and only then reacting is learnable.
For the needy, it is important to develop awareness around the question: does my drive for contact stem from inner fears, or am I really being treated so unreasonably right now? Can I let go of someone without conditions (the hope that by letting go someone will come back anyway is also a condition) or am I manipulating from my fears? In other words, focus on yourself.
For the commitment anxious, it is important to develop awareness around the question: do I still feel love and do my doubts stem from inner fears or can I break through this with a good conversation? Do I dare to acknowledge and see through all my “flight arguments” as my own fears as “alibi thoughts for my flight,” or do I dare to look at my own fears and name my feelings and emotions out loud? Do I dare to look at all the beautiful things, or do I focus on my flight? (The latter is more difficult, because a characteristic of flight can be to not want to think or dwell on beautiful things). In other words, also for the person with commitment anxiety: don't focus (only) on the other person but on yourself.
2. Learn and dare to communicate nonviolently
If someone is not communicating, you don't know what is going on in someone's mind either.
Nonviolent communication (Marchall Rosenberg) about feelings and needs can increase understanding and empathy, and decrease fears. Nonviolent communication is a technique applicable in many situations and very helpful. It helps you align your “reptilian fears” with your neocortex considerations.
Realize that the choice to repeat patterns in the future (with a new partner) or break patterns presents itself precisely during crises in your relationship. So your needy or fleeing partner is precisely your perfect “teacher. By (learning) to communicate consciously and nonviolently, you can prevent either of you from slipping into fears early on.
3. Live in the “NOW” and not in your fears
An important question is: Can I enjoy what is NOW, and be unconditional? Be happy with myself and what I am doing? Or am I constantly preoccupied with what happened in the past, or what my partner did 'wrong' in the past, or am I trying to convince myself that my partner can't change and unpleasant things will happen again in the future (and am I unconsciously actually waiting for them)?
If the NOW can be positively arranged through self-love (see point 4) and understanding, you will find that over time the bond with your partner can grow and your fears will diminish. The claimer does not want to claim at all, the fugitive does not want to flee at all. That only happens when fears take over.
But if you find that regardless of that your fears diminish and you still experience continuous conflict and little feelings for your partner in the NOW there will be little growth over time of course.
4. Develop self-love and your adult “secure base"
The Dutch writer Jan Geurtz wrote a wonderful book about it “Addicted to Love". Loving yourself enough. Unconditionally see the beauty in yourself. Only mutual unconditionality is the basis for a good relationship.
“Yes but,” someone said. If my partner, as described in his book, also likes to have sex with another person once in a while then it is going too far for me”. My answer was: how unconditional is the other person's relationship really if you honestly share that you don't like that and will have unpleasant feelings from that, and don't take that into account. TRUE unconditionality is important here and in any relationship.
But realizing self-worth. Loving yourself. Not needing the other to be whole but instead being able to be two beautiful people who are having such a good time together is of great importance. Once you “need” the other to be whole, this other is also the basis for your inner voices of fear and frustration. Getting angry at the other and running away in fear draws from the same source. If you recognize that feelings and emotions also play a role in you you will be more likely to lovingly accept the feelings and emotions of the other person. If you love yourself you will radiate that to the world. It will also love you (more) like a mirror.
But how do you develop this? Basically through two streams:
- Positive programming: By meditation exercises, and listing positive affirmations daily, you can work on this self-love. Repetitively listing positive affirmations about your self and your relationship can help with this. You “train” your brain to focus not on negative but positive streams of thought. But also by, realizing that you are not dependent for happiness on another, doing fine things independently and being able to enjoy yourself independently in gratitude for all that life has to offer. Including your pain points or learning points.
- By really addressing your inner “fear voice. Literally moving when you feel stuck, physical contact with your parner, precisely also when you are afraid or frustrated etc. (see point 5). In addition, other techniques are applicable such as somatic trauma processing/EMDR, breathwork, heart coherence exercises or theta sound re-programming.
5. Learn to connect and touch
It's important to realize that it's not just “talking and thinking” about irritations or fears that might help, but that it can also be precisely about touching. An embrace in a moment of panic can greatly reassure your limbic or reptilian brain. Some resistance may arise from your neocortex (“no ... we have a disagreement, I don't want this”) but the touch can be enormously healing.
This is why a long painful discussion without touch is often of little benefit. Not even if you eventually understand each other. Touch “heals” an emptiness in yourself. The same void that caused your fear.
Of course it is important to respect each other's boundaries. If someone does not want or cannot be touched at a certain moment, it is also a sign of unconditionality to accept this. A dilemma, then. But in true love: let your heart speak! And not your fears. And touching a colleague can of course be equally difficult in many cases. Although it is often possible in a somewhat less intimate form.
All of this is a challenge. Once entangled in fear, either partner may end up being caught up in his or her pattern and no longer open to said steps.
When we talk about connection we are talking about both your inner connection (learn to observe yourself!) and the connection with your partner.
6. Learn to accept and forgive
Finally, it is important to realize that you carry certain patterns within you. Although you often hear “let it go, it doesn't serve you anymore,” the reality is that things you try to push away may not show up for a while but can hit back later all the harder (Jung's Shadow Theory). It is wiser to look lovingly at yourself, including certain pitfalls and patterns that sometimes manifest. It is good to work on self-love and positive affirmations. That will absolutely help you. But if you lovingly accept that you simply have a certain attachment pattern in 'your system', it will manifest (less and less).
Forgive yourself for not being 'perfect' (who is?) And from this insight find the strength to forgive your partner for his/her imperfections as well. There is a piece of unconditionality in that very thing we call love. Once you manage to do this you will be less likely to fall into your trap behavior. Being judgmental or angry at the other person and wanting to flee or becoming claiming and experiencing rejection.
Grow and learn in your relationship? Or divorce anyway?
Sometimes it already works “in your relationship. You grant each other's growth and you notice that 95% of your time is actually wonderful. There is safety in the relationship because you have expressed to each other that you can learn together.
Sometimes a 'brief separation' or unfortunately a permanent divorce is an option to reduce the fears. If you find that you feel a lot for your partner, you can ask yourself and approach your partner (possibly with some uncertainty) again. If they are now also more receptive to each other's love, another “opportunity” arises.
Conversely, a divorce, and preferably in mutual unconditional friendship, keeping in touch can of course also be a choice. Life happiness of both is central. If not together, then perhaps in another setting. In that case, respectful parting is very important anyway.
In all honesty: One-sided learning experiences do not bode well. If the other person keeps falling back into his/her fear behavior (neediness or bonding/escaping behavior), the relationship unfortunately becomes “one-sided” unconditional anyway.
But you wouldn't be the first to discover, that focusing on, and breaking your own patterns, is ultimately the only way. And the basis for that wonderful loving togetherness, without fleeing, without claiming (or understanding more mildly). In terms of pattern breaking, focus on yourself (7Qi- mind and ego) and in terms of love on your feelings. In other words, the old adage still applies: when it comes to a relationship, listen to your heart!
