Egocentrism, narcissism and attachment styles
In the world of personal growth and relationships, we often come across the terms “narcissism” and “self-centeredness. But did you know that these traits can often be traced back to our attachment style? Our early experiences with love and connection provide a blueprint for how we behave later in life, including how we treat ourselves and others. In this article, we explain how narcissism and self-centeredness can be linked to an attachment style, how to recognize if your behavior stems from an attachment pattern, and when therapy can be a valuable step.
What is the difference between Narcissism and Egocentrism?
Egocentrism simply means that someone is primarily focused on themselves. This is not necessarily problematic; healthy self-care and setting boundaries also fall under egocentrism. Narcissism, on the other hand, is an extreme form in which empathy is lacking and there is a deep-seated need for control and for admiration.
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Healthy Egocentrism |
Unhealthy Egocentrism (Narcissism) |
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Can say 'no' without feeling guilty |
Expects special treatment |
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Sets clear boundaries |
Uses others for own gain |
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Has empathy for otheers |
Has little or no empathy |
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Self-aware and reflective |
Refuses to take responsibility |
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Takes good care of self and relationships |
Manipulates to achieve own goals |
Attachment Styles and Their Relation to Narcissism and Egocentrism
Attachment styles develop in childhood through interactions with caregivers. These styles influence how we experience intimacy, self-image and relationships. The four main attachment styles are:
- Secure attachment - People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable in relationships and have a healthy balance between dependence and autonomy. See the article about secure attachement via this link
- Anxious-preoccupation attachment - These people often seek affirmation and may be insecure about relationships. See also the blog about pleasing and over-performing
- Avoidant attachment - They value independence and may have difficulty with emotional connection. May show bonding anxiety and manipulative behavior like eg. a narcissist can do (this blog) or might have chosen a different strategy: numbing and/or flight behavior.
- Disorganized attachment - A mix of anxiety and avoidance, often stemming from trauma. (To learn more, read the article on disorganized attachment!)
Narcissism and the Avoidant/Disorganized Attachment Style
Narcissism (especially pathological narcissism, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder - NPS) often stems from an avoidant or disorganized attachment style. A child who has been emotionally neglected or received love only in achievement may protect himself by developing a mask of grandiosity. This leads to an inability to show vulnerability and form deep emotional relationships.
How do you recognize narcissists and egocentrists in relationships and at work?
In relationships: Narcissists may seem charming and thoughtful at first, but later exhibit manipulative behavior, gaslighting, and a lack of genuine emotional connection.
At work: A narcissist may be extremely competitive, undermine others to look better themselves, and handle feedback poorly. Egocentrists may be primarily focused on their own success without necessarily harming others.
How do you best handle it?
- Set clear boundaries and be consistent in your communication.
- Don't get caught up in manipulations and stick to your own feelings and needs.
- Seek support from others so you don't become isolated in a toxic dynamic.
- Consider distancing yourself if the relationship or collaboration becomes harmful.
The Attraction between Fearful Pleasers and Narcissists
A common dynamic is that between anxiously attached people (pleasers) and narcissists. The anxiously attached person craves love and affirmation, while the narcissist needs someone to give himself away and give admiration. This leads to a vicious cycle: the pleaser tries harder and harder to win the narcissist's love, while the narcissist remains emotionally distant and manipulative.
Example 1: Anna and John
Anna is a charming, confident woman who is used to getting what she wants. John is a sweet, caring man who has trouble setting boundaries and is afraid of being rejected. At the beginning of their relationship, Ingrid floods him with attention and compliments. John finally feels appreciated and loved. But after a while, Anna begins to become distant. She responds less to his messages and makes disparaging remarks when he expresses that he feels insecure.
John tries harder to do his best: he buys gifts, adapts more and more to Anna's wishes and even apologizes when she gets angry, even though he doesn't know what for. Anna does not appreciate this, but uses it as a way to keep control over him. When John indicates that he feels unhappy, Anna responds with: “You're just too sensitive, you always ruin the atmosphere.” This causes Johnto doubt himself and try even harder to please Anna.
This pattern can continue endlessly unless Henk recognizes that Ingrid cannot give him the love and recognition he needs and decides to stop making his self-esteem dependent on her approval.
Risks of this dynamic
- The pleaser becomes exhausted and loses himself in the relationship.
- The narcissist will never give the love and appreciation the pleaser needs.
- It can lead to a pattern of emotional dependence and self-doubt.
How do you break this pattern?
- Become aware of your attachment style and how it affects your choices.
- Learn to set healthy boundaries and not let your self-worth depend on the approval of others.
- Consider therapy or coaching to work on your attachment style and relationship patterns.
Example 2: Scott and Frank
Scott is a successful manager with a strong desire for control and recognition. Frank is a loyal and hard-working employee who likes to seek approval and has difficulty saying “no. Scott expects his team to always give 110% and belittles employees who do not work hard enough in his eyes.
Frank works harder and harder to keep Scott happy. He takes on extra tasks, works overtime and does his best to get recognition. But Scott never thinks it's good enough. When Frank makes a mistake, he gets a harsh scolding and is publicly criticized. This causes Frank to feel increasingly insecure and work even harder to win Scott' approval.
Eventually, the constant stress and sense of failure leads to Frank's burnout. He feels empty and worthless, while Scott takes no responsibility and simply looks for a new “pleaser” on the team.
How do you prevent this?
- Learn to set healthy boundaries and say “no” when you become overloaded.
- Seek external validation, such as from colleagues or a coach.
- Realize that your self-worth does not depend on the approval of an authority figure.
- Consider a different work environment if the situation remains structurally unhealthy.
When Is Coaching/Therapy Helpful and/or Necessary?
If you find that your relationships often fail, you struggle with empathy or feel emotionally disconnected, coaching and/or therapy can be an important step. This helps to break patterns and develop healthier relationships.
How Do You Encourage an Egocentric/Narcistic Person to Consider Therapy?
- Emphasize the benefits, such as increased self-awareness and better relationships.
- Don't use blame, but ask open-ended questions, “Have you ever considered where your need for recognition comes from?”
- Give examples of how therapy has helped others without pushing.
- Create a safe space in which a person can come to their own understanding.
Narcissism and self-centeredness often have a deeper root in our attachment style. By understanding this connection, you can work toward healthier relationships with yourself and others. Therapy can be a valuable tool for breaking persistent patterns and living a more fulfilling life. Although a Narcissist will feel little need for therapy. After all, he/she usually does not find himself/herself the problem but someone else. But even for an Egocentrist/Narcist, therapy can open doors to a more fulfilled life!
Breaking the egocentrist/narcissist - pleaser dynamic
In a relationship between egocentrist and pleaser, there is often a complex dynamic of intense moments. After an often beautiful initial period, a dynamic with ups and downs will develop. The narcissist will have little appetite to discuss his/her behavior. But only a relationship in which both partners can and are allowed to grow is healthy. The pleaser can learn to set boundaries and work on self-esteem. The narcissist often needs the understanding that coaching or therapy also means that he/she is part of the dynamic and has the choice of repeating patterns and a chance of separation if no change occurs.
Coaching an Egocentric or Narcissistic Manager
In a working relationship, it is important to recognize that an egocentric or narcissistic manager/leader may be able to break through or achieve things in the short term, but for the longer term, there is a high risk for conflict (with other ego-centric managers), breaches of trust, and employee absenteeism.
For lasting customer relationships and sustained optimal employee performance, it is important to discuss this during annual or performance reviews and to push for a coaching program. Although an egocentric or even narcissistic manager will initially feel little inclination to do this and blame the problem on others. The only way is to point out substantive business examples (without putting employees in a difficult position), to point out the benefits of self-awareness, more empathetic insight and behavior, and to set a condition for further growth and development.
A (chairman board of) directors is responsible for true leadership in an organization and optimal deployment of a manager/management team. Coaching managers with self-centered or even narcissistic traits is an expression of responsible leadership.
But ultimately people want to change but not be changed. So only if the manager sees through his own behavior and is open to change does coaching (or therapy) make sense. It is also important to jointly formulate the coaching objective and discuss it with the coach/therapist. After all, a narcissistic leader can manipulate like the best and show masking behavior. Also with his coach / supervisor. If the manager does not want to cooperate in such a development process, parting is inevitable.
Every step is a first step in a process of change
Do you want more insight into your attachment style and how it affects your relationships? Consider coaching or therapy to discover your patterns and build healthy connections! This is an investment that will benefit you throughout your life! Realize that insecure attachment is a form of (childhood) trauma and ask in advance if your coach/therapist has experience with attachment patterns. Preferably combine your therapy with trauma therapy/bodywork (want to know more about this? Then also read the article about breaking unsafe attachment patterns.
Want to read more about attachment patterns?
Then visit 7Qi coaching's Attachment Styles page with extensive information and blogs on attachment patterns! For self-coaching or in preparation for a coaching or therapy program.
