Impact of attachment patterns
Your attachment pattern determines your self-esteem and how you view behavior of your partner, friends or colleagues. Do you have a bossy colleague or a self-centered one? Attachment anxiety or commitment anxiety in relationships? Tendency to control, or do you think what others do and think is actually a little too important? Not so sure who you are or what you stand for? Are you calm and self-assured and confident? Or just not? Possibly all the result of attachment patterns.
The way you were raised by your parents determined your “survival strategy” (to get love, attention and nourishment) as a child. This strategy is also called your attachment pattern. It determines (consciously or unconsciously) your entire life how you enter into relationships with yourself and others. Even now! Not unimportant to know! Because your relationships are one of the most important factors that determine your happiness in life! In this article we discuss the impact of (insecure) attachment patterns. The impact on your relationships, your health and your mental health.
You can be securely attached or insecurely attached. In the latter case you are anxious, avoidant or a mixture; disoriented. You can read more about them on the attachment patterns page, with general information and explanatory articles.
Relationship impact!
You are not alone in this world. Your unique ways of thinking and behavior affect others. Relationships you enter into with others make you continually impact each other. You enter into (types of) relationships with a partner, family and friends, but also, for example, with colleagues at work, people in your neighborhood, or fellow travelers you travel with for a time.
If you are securely attached, you have self-confidence and can balance well between your values and your own boundaries and those of others. You are not easily upset when others say (or shout!) things. You can regulate emotions well, and you can observe and reason about other people's emotions without being easily knocked out emotionally yourself. This means being able to be confident, stable and calm in relationships with others. You are good at listening and observing, and you respect differences.
Insecure attachment patterns create instability and/or tension in relationships. Conditionality is present and mutual respect and safety are not experienced. The core conditions of being valued for who you are, what you feel and what you do are not met. This can result in being insecure in relationships or more quickly emotional.
But in stronger form, it can lead to manipulative behavior, conflict, perfectionism, demandingness, self-centeredness (or even narcissism) and flight behavior, or just “clinginess” & pleasing, over performing (working harder than your system can actually handle), strong and sometimes unpredictable emotional reactions, and limiting beliefs about each other. We see it all in relationship coaching or as a reason for divorce and resignation.
In every relationship, sooner or later, a moment of pressure, stress or setback occurs. Important to remember is that stress and pressure(s) can (cause and) reinforce your or another's unsafe attachment trauma and related behaviors! It is precisely under pressure or adversity that you really get to know yourself and your partner or friends we say.
In addition, opposites often attract: someone with separation anxiety feels comfortable (at first) with someone with separation anxiety. A narcissistic leader often (unconsciously) seeks pleasing and over performing employees. But sooner or later, relationship problems arise here. With all its consequences. (Divorce), conflicts at work, burnout, or even physical illness. Seeing through the origins of attachment patterns should be standard knowledge and insight, especially for parents and managers, but actually for everyone!
In the blogs on the page about attachment patterns you can read examples of how unsafe attachment patterns can affect relationships and work relations.
Physical impact
Attachment (ultimately) affects how you can cope with stress and emotions and thus your health.
Insecure attachment patterns are a form of (developmental) trauma. Emotions stored in your body that you could not express. Important to know because the insights of trauma therapy (combine coaching/therapy with bodywork and recognize the positive impact of stress reduction, safety and techniques like EMDR, hypnotherapy and mindfulness) can be used in coaching and therapy of insecure attachment. The impact of trauma on your behavior and physiology/body can be enormous!
Insecure attachment affects not only emotional behavior, but also nervous system development. This can lead to increased stress sensitivity, anxiety disorders, problems with emotion regulation and even chronic health issues (described primarily by researchers within neurobiology, developmental psychology and trauma research: e.g. Allan Schorre and Spethen Porges [polyvagal theory], Bruce Perry, Bessel van der Kolk):
- influence on the development of the right hemisphere of the brain, which is involved in emotional regulation and stress response and the autonomic nervous system
- disruption of the development of the brainstem and limbic system leading to overactive stress responses and problems with emotional regulation
- structural and functional changes in the brain which can result in an overactive amygdala (fear center),
- a less functioning prefrontal cortex (emotion regulation) and a dysregulated stress system
Insecure attachment and early childhood stress can thus also cause systemic diseases (later in life) (e.g. Stephen Porges, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Mate, Michael Meaney & Sonia Lupien):
- Elevated cortisol levels (weakened immune system and increased inflammatory responses...,
- dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system (Chronic stress, anxiety disorders and chronic fatigue),
- allostatic load (Increased risk of cardiovascular, diabetic and autoimmune diseases), and
- high inflammatory levels (Increased risk of infections and chronic pain).
Trigger for systemic disease can be a viral infection in addition to excessive stress and overwork. Just that last drop.
Mental Impact!
Attachment patterns are hugely influential in how you relate to yourself (and therefore to others). If you are securely attached then you have learned to discover and cope with setbacks on your own (your parent did not react fearfully or demanding but understanding, comforting and stimulating for you during your learning experiences). A person with a secure attachment pattern can deal with others from self-confidence.
“Fleeing, fighting or freezing” at times when you don't really want to, and fear of commitment or abandonment in relationships are the result of insecure attachment patterns. Someone with an insecure attachment pattern “responds to others” and less from a calm self-awareness. Even if you have later worked on more self-awareness and processing of attachment trauma, there is often a 'reaction jump': taking the step from fear/flight/ wanting control as the first impulse to quietly observing before judging or even condemning.
In a more extreme form, insecure attachment can also be the cause of isolation behavior, antisocial behavior or egocentrism. Or just please behavior, drama triangle behavior, and over-performing (trying too hard). Combinations of these behaviors can reinforce each other, which is what we see daily in many relationships.
In even more extreme forms, links between insecure attachment and personality disorders have even been demonstrated (e.g., John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Mary Main & Judith Solomon, Stephen Porges, Daniel Siegel, Bruce Perry, Michael Meaney & Sonia Lupien, Allan Schore, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Mate) :
Anxious-ambivalent attachment (Strong need for closeness, insecurity about relationships and fear of rejection) can contribute to the following DSM diagnoses: Generalized anxiety disorder (GAS), Social anxiety disorder, Depressive disorders and Panic disorder.
Avoidant attachment (Avoiding emotional closeness and independence) can contribute to the following DSM diagnoses: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPS), Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD), Self-Damaging Behavior (not otherwise defined), Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Social Phobia.
Disorganized attachment (Conflicting behaviors, such as seeking closeness with the caregiver, but also simultaneously exhibiting fear of the one) can contribute to the following DSM diagnoses: Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSS), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPS), Dissociative Disorders, Antisocial Personality Disorder.
It is important to see that said personality disorders do not necessarily develop. And like insecure attachment, they are spectrum disorders. You can “score” between 1% and 100% when measuring symptoms and consequences. The diagnosis is not always black and white, and treatment and support is customized to your individual level. Conversely, if any (of the aforementioned) personality disorders are diagnosed, this may be a reason to further therapeutically explore and treat precisely developmental trauma!
After reading this article, you are probably more aware that attachment patterns play a huge role in our world. With a loving mindful upbringing in which you are allowed to learn and grow, secure attachment occurs. Less pointing and condemning. More compassion and respect. Conversely, after reading this article, you may be able to look with more compassion at people who are constantly judging and condemning and seem rather self-centered or fearful. Ask yourself how they grew up as children and therefore experienced more susceptibility to stress and pressure in relationships with others.
But in a world where polarization, social media and stress are ubiquitous, more attention to attachment patterns could make a difference.
It is important to know that an insecure attachment pattern is not an incurable disease. It is better to also view an insecure attachment pattern as a spectrum disorder (or rather a challenge). You can “score” between 1% and 100% when measuring symptoms and consequences. The diagnosis is not always black and white, and treatment and support is customized to your individual level. And the good news is: you can still learn and grow, and process attachment trauma!
Don't place yourself, or especially don't allow yourself, in a “self-diagnosis” pigeonhole. If you suspect symptoms or possible consequences of insecure attachment, contact a professional! But preferably a professional (coach or therapist) with clear knowledge and experience of insecure attachment patterns and possible forms of therapy.
And if you suspect that someone else is very stress sensitive, over emotional or very dependent on what others think (in conversations or e.g. on social media), introduce them to the concept of attachment. For example, talk about this article, or share what you perceive (without judgment or condemnation), from a good heart....
Want to read more about attachment patterns?
Then visit 7Qi coaching's Attachment Styles page with extensive information and blogs on attachment patterns! For self-coaching or in preparation for a coaching or therapy program.
