Secure attachment, the key to healthy relationships and personal growth
We often talk about (consequences of) insecure attachment and how to grow into more secure attachment patterns with therapy. Secure attachment is a crucial building block for emotional well-being and healthy relationships. But what exactly does it mean to be securely attached? How do you develop secure attachment, and what are its benefits in later life?
In this article, we dive into the world of attachment styles, with real-world examples that provide insight into how secure attachment functions in relationships with insecurely attached partners.
What does it take to become securely attached?
Secure attachment occurs in early childhood, when a child has a reliable, loving and emotionally available parent or caregiver. This means that the child feels heard, seen and comforted. The basic principles of secure attachment are:
- Consistency: The parent is predictable and present.
- Emotional availability: The child is allowed to express emotions and receives comfort.
- Autonomy and support: The child is given the freedom to explore the world, with the assurance that they can always fall back on a secure foundation.
Example of Renata's secure attachment
Renata recalls a moment from her childhood when she fell off her bicycle and scraped her knee. Her mother did not run to her in a panic, but remained calm and comforting. She lifted Renate up, asked how she felt, and helped her clean the wound. Then she encouraged her to get back on her bike as soon as she was ready.
This seemingly small moment made Renata feel safe in her emotions. She learned that pain and sadness may be acknowledged, but that she also had the strength to keep going. This contributed to her self-confidence and emotional stability in her later life.
The benefits of secure attachment in your afterlife
A secure attachment style has numerous benefits:
- Healthy relationships: You can be emotionally available without fear of rejection.
- Self-confidence: You know you are valuable independent of the approval of others.
- Effective communication: You dare to express your needs and feelings without fear of conflict.
- Resilience: You can handle difficult situations without becoming overwhelmed.
How does a securely attached person respond to an insecurely attached partner?
In romantic relationships, it is common for a securely attached person to have a partner who is insecurely attached. There are three forms of insecure attachment:
- Anxiously attached: Need for constant affirmation, fear of abandonment.
- Avoidant attached: Difficulty with emotional intimacy, tendency to distance oneself. Sometimes self-centeredness or even narcissism. Fear of bonding.
- Disorganized attached: Alternates between seeking closeness and rejection, often due to past trauma. Unexpected emotional release.
A securely attached partner usually remains calm and understanding in these dynamics. They don't get caught up in their partner's fear or distance, but try to maintain boundaries and connection in a healthy way. This is not to say that a securely attached person is unfeeling! Of course, relationship dynamics or divorce can cause them emotions/sorrow. But a securely attached person guards their own boundaries and can also overlook emotions more quickly.
Example: Chris and Rose
Chris is securely attached and in a relationship with Rose, who is insecurely attached. She has narcissistic traits and is often easily emotional. At first Rose seems charming and confident, but gradually Chris notices that she manipulates him emotionally and has difficulty with vulnerability. Instead of playing along with her games or pushing himself away, Chris remains firm in his own values. He recognizes her behavior as a protective mechanism and tries to remain empathetic without allowing her to overstep his own boundaries. In the end, he openly discusses with her how they can create a healthier dynamic together, or whether they may not be the right match.
The final conversation between Chris and Rose
After months of trying to maintain a healthy relationship, Chris decides he can no longer stay in the relationship without compromising his own emotional well-being. During their final conversation, he says:
Chris: “Rose, I care about you and I have tried to make this relationship work. But I find myself increasingly losing myself in our dynamic. I feel exhausted by the constant struggle and lack of real emotional connection.”
Rose: “So you just give up? I thought you loved me. This just proves that I can't trust anyone.”
Chris: “I understand that this is painful for you, and it's not my intention to hurt you. But love also means that both partners feel safe and valued. I feel we can't give each other what we need. You deserve someone who understands your needs better, and I deserve a relationship where I can be myself without walking on eggshells.”
Rose: “So you're just going to leave me behind?”
Chris: “I'm not leaving you, I'm choosing my own well-being. I hope one day you will understand that this does not mean you are not valuable, but that we do not have a healthy foundation together. I wish you well, Rose.”
Chris leaves the relationship without anger or resentment, but with a determined understanding that he must protect himself. This example shows how a securely attached person is able to set boundaries without losing himself.
How do you recognize a securely attached person?
Securely attached people can be recognized by their behaviors and statements. Some characteristics:
- They communicate clearly and without manipulation.
- They dare to be vulnerable without fear of rejection.
- They set healthy boundaries without feeling guilty.
- They can be independent but also enjoy intimacy.
- They respond calmly and thoughtfully to conflict.
- Statements such as:
“I appreciate your company, but I also need time for myself.”
“I feel hurt by what happened, can we discuss this?”
“I trust we can work this out together.”
Secure attachment is a valuable foundation for healthy relationships and emotional well-being. Its development begins in childhood, but it is never too late to recognize and change patterns. By consciously working on your own attachment style and understanding the dynamics in your relationships, you can help yourself and your loved ones be stronger and more healthily connected.
If you are insecurely attached, it is possible to grow toward secure attachment. This requires self-reflection, patience and often professional help. Start by recognizing your own attachment patterns and how they manifest in your relationships. Work on self-compassion and developing healthy boundaries. Seek support from trusted, emotionally available people and practice sharing your feelings in an honest and open way. Therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy or attachment therapy, can help break deep-seated patterns and learn new, safer ways of connecting. Ultimately, secure attachment is not just a destination, but a process of growth and self-development.
Tips for parents who want to promote secure attachment
Challenges for unsafely attached parents
For parents who are themselves unsafely attached, it can be difficult to provide secure attachment for their children. Some common challenges:
- Difficulty with emotional availability and providing comfort.
- Fear of losing control, which can lead to overprotection or distancing.
- Difficulty setting healthy boundaries.
- Tendency to pass on one's own attachment problems to the child.
Your own insecure attachment can be triggered precisely while raising a child who, by definition, is learning how to deal with emotions and thoughts. Thereby, the “gift” from your child can be that you become (more) aware of your own patterns.
Once you discover patterns such as those described above in yourself, it is wise to seek coaching/therapy for yourself to break your patterns. You do this not only for yourself but also for the (future) happiness of your child! In conversations with your coach/therapist you can discuss situations with your son/daughter and at the same time discover ideas about reactions and adjusting your own patterns.
Practical tips for secure attachment
- Be emotionally available: Listen to your child without judgment and offer comfort when needed.
- Offer predictability and structure: A secure foundation is strengthened by routine and reliability.
- Encourage independence: Allow your child to explore the world and support their growth.
- Regulate your own emotions: Children mirror parental behavior, so learn healthy ways to handle stress yourself.
- Seek help if needed: Therapy or parent coaching can help break unsafe patterns and promote secure attachment.
Secure attachment begins with conscious choices and commitment. By actively working on this, you give your child a solid foundation for the future.
Want to read more about attachment patterns?
Then visit 7Qi coaching's Attachment Styles page with extensive information and blogs on attachment patterns! For self-coaching or in preparation for a coaching or therapy program.
