Self-awareness, Relationships & Life Choices

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Attachment

Powerful insights and articles on attachment patterns

7QiCoaching @HOME: honest, practical and reliable insights from more than 20 years of coaching experience

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Discover the impact of attachment patterns on relationships and health in your daily life and how to break insecure attachment!

What are (insecure) attachment patterns?

Attachment patterns form the basis of how we form relationships, both with others and with ourselves. Whether you are aware of your pattern or not, it affects your interactions, emotions and the trust you have in relationships. This is why your attachment pattern and that of others is so essential to your life's happiness!

As a result of a disturbed or unsafe emotional bond between your parents and you, what we call an insecure attachment style can develop. This can lead to problems in trust, emotional regulation and relationships later in life.

Consider parents who were controlling, very demanding, authoritarian, or anxious and overprotective, or aggressive or just absent (physically due to work, or emotionally flat and difficult to gauge). As a child, in response to their behavior, you learned to suppress emotions and adjust your behavior in hopes of still receiving love.

About 50% (!) of us are not securely attached, and we can say that the impact of insecure attachment is vastly underestimated. Insecure attachment is a form of developmental trauma that (often unconsciously) plays an important role in your life. The impact of insecure attachment on yourself and others is something that can really control your life and the world around you.

“Your world is seen through the eyes of your attachment pattern.

It affects your behavior and beliefs, the way you interact with others and even your physical health!

On this page you will discover what attachment patterns are, why it is essential to know your own pattern and how to recognize others' as well.

The 4 basic patterns of attachment (styles):

Secure Attachment

You feel comfortable in relationships, can give and receive trust, and have a healthy balance between autonomy and connectedness. Arises when a child consistently has loving, trustworthy and emotionally available caregivers. The child learns that they can trust others and that they are allowed to express their needs.

Anxious Pre- occupied Attachment

You strongly desire closeness, but are often uncertain of others' love and affirmation. Arises from inconsistent care: sometimes the caregiver responds lovingly, sometimes dismissively or unpredictably. This leads to the child becoming anxious about love and affirmation and clinging to others. Later in life, please behavior often develops, lack of clarity about one's own values or boundaries, and over-performing at work.

Avoidant Attachment

You have a strong need for independence and find it difficult to become emotionally close to others. Arises when a parent/caregiver is emotionally distant or dismissive and discourages the child from expressing emotions. The child learns to rely on himself and avoids emotional dependence. Withdrawal behavior, closure of feelings, or self-centeredness or even narcissism later in life can occur.

Dis- organised Attachment

You experience both longing for, and fear of connection, leading to confusion and conflicting behaviors in relationships. Often arises from traumatic or unsafe situations, such as abuse, neglect, or a caregiving parent who themselves evokes fear. This creates conflicting feelings: the child wants closeness, but at the same time experiences fear of the caregiver. Bonding anxiety in attachment and separation anxiety in distancing later in life or sudden emotional discharges with escape behavior.

In this image you can see the 4 attachment patterns and their main characteristics

50% of us is insecure attached!

The theory of attachment patterns was developed by John Bowlby, a British psychologist and psychoanalyst. Later Mary Ainsworth and then Mary Main built on it (particularly on how attachment manifests itself in adults).

In 1978, the number of securely attached children was still 70%. You often see this number today, but recent studies show that the percentage of safely attached children is lower than previously believed.

A 2023 meta-analysis, published in the Psychological Bulletin of the American Psychological Association, analyzed data from 285 studies and found that about 50% of children have secure attachment styles and therefore also 50% have insecure attachment styles (!) due, for example, to increased parental stress, higher divorce rates and less stable family structures.

Insecure Attachment figures increase!

To this can be added that by ever increasing speed of life, work pressure, (choice) stress and pressure, distractions and impulses (by AI and social media, among others) and violence on media (in movies and images of aggression and violence in the world, and focus of news on crime and violence) this number will most likely further negatively affect.

This creates a vicious cycle: increase in insecure attachment fuels misunderstanding and reactive behavior in relationships between people. The result is more violence or isolation behavior.

High time for more attention to attachment patterns and breaking insecure attachment!

7Qi Empowerment from your challenge and silverlining:

Attachment theory often focuses on trap behavior. But 7Qi Coaching @HOME gives attention to affirmation in attachment: what is the challenge in disability, and what is the positive aspect to something that seems negative?

That's usually where your learning point and insight is! From a spectrum thought (you can be a little of something to a lot of something). Things are usually not black and white but have a shade of gray.

In the image below you see “the perfect other” (which of course doesn't exist!). At the end of the lines you can see the pitfalls of all attachment patterns. The central green 'sun' has a WE focus. I and YOU, in other words. With all attachment and relational traits as the center.

What pitfall behavior do you discover in yourself? and what do you see as a challenge or strength on the dotted line?

Where is your challenge and empowerment in this picture?

Insights and articles on (insecure) attachment

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Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment

Emotionally available, autonomy and support

Learn how secure attachment contributes to healthier relationships and personal growth. And how, as a parent, you encourage secure attachment in your child.

Anxious Attachment

Pleasing, over performing or overstepping your own boundaries

Learn how insecure (anxious) attachment can affect your life. If you recognize these signs, now is the time for action! Because eventually it can make you sick!

Dismissive avoidant Attachment

Numbing and flight behavior in avoidant attachment

Learn how insecure (avoidant) attachment can affect your life. Understand that escape behavior is not a solution and that talking about feelings and emotions enriches your life and relationship.

Vermijdende hechting

Egocentrism, narcissism and avoidant attachment style

Learn how insecure (avoidant) attachment can affect your life. Realize that with narcissistic or flight behavior, setting boundaries, and naming benefits from therapy, is one of the few but important options.

Fearful avoidant (disorganized) Attachment

Unpredictable Emotional Reactions or Avoidance

Some people struggle with disorganized attachment patterns, which can be difficult to recognize but may significantly impact relationships and overall well-being throughout life

Impact of Attachment, Relationship Dynamics and Therapy

attachment patterns claiming or fleeying

(Insecure) Relationship patterns

Flight behavior or neediness in your relationship

Read this introduction how relationship patterns are often influenced by insecure attachment, which can lead to flight behavior or neediness. With 6 pieces of advice on how to deal with this in your daily life.

Impact of attachment patterns

The enormous impact of your attachment pattern

Learn how your attachment pattern affects your relationships, health and way of thinking. It largely determines your happiness in life. So worth knowing more about it!

Impact of Attachment patterns

The connection between insecure attachment and systemic diseases

Learn how your insecure attachment can increase your risk of systemic diseases such as lung Covid, autoimmune diseases, fibromyalgy, overstimulation or PDS, for example. One more reason to grow toward secure attachment!

Therapy

Breaking Insecure attachment (developmental trauma)

Learn how to break insecure attachment. When you understand what is going on in your brain and body after insecure attachment, it becomes clear that a combination of cognitive therapy and body-oriented therapy offers opportunities.

Therapy and revalidation

The SYRE Method for systemic diseases.

Put together your own rehabilitation activities with the SYRE plan for system diseases such as lung Covid, autoimmune problems, overstimulation, chronic fatigue or other system imbalance.

Read

about

Attachment patterns

Want to read more about attachment patterns, family systems and (trauma) therapy? The following books and authors are highly recommended.

This page about attachment patterns is a page provided by

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