Friendship and toxic friendship
“A good friend knows all your stories, but a best friend has lived them with you.”
What is friendship
Friendship is a rich experience that provides support, joy and meaning in your life. It helps you get through the ups and downs and provides a foundation for your well-being. It is a mutual relationship between people based on affection, trust, respect and shared experiences.
Important characteristics of friendship:
✔ Reciprocity - Both people show interest and commitment.
✔ Trust and loyalty - You can count on each other and share secrets.
✔ Support - Friends offer emotional, mental and sometimes practical support.
✔ Shared interests and experiences - There is often common ground.
✔ Voluntariness - Friendship is not an obligation, but a choice.
Types of friends
It doesn't hurt to be aware of the different types of friends you have. Friendship is a relationship you maintain, in addition to your family and/or life partner or work colleagues. It is a group you feel connected to.
Different thinkers, such as Aristotle, also distinguish types of friendships, such as friendships for utility (pros and cons), friendships for pleasure (sociability) and virtuous friendships (based on mutual respect and personal growth). So you can have different “types” of friends.
I myself have a number of friends I have known since my school days. The older you get, the clearer it becomes that some friends come and go, while others remain by your side throughout your life in deep connection. You experience connection, support and feel seen and heard for who you are, and what your dreams or challenges are.
So a friend is someone with whom you have a close, personal connection. This means you trust each other, share personal experiences and are often there for each other in both good times and bad. An acquaintance, on the other hand, is someone you know, but with whom the bond is less deep and personal.
You could also add the difference in physical contacts and digital contacts. A friend who is physically present in conversations and experiences may give different energy and influence your system differently than someone you know digitally. On the other hand, you can also have intense and open contact with digital friends (on forums, social media, digital phone calls, by mail). Risk of digital contact is more projection. You miss little extra signals like facial expressions or postures, smells and sound intensity and voice when communicating so you fill this in yourself (unconsciously). This can lead to misinterpretations of underlying feelings and emotions in particular.
Friendship and relationship dynamics
Everyone is unique, and friendships can be a mirror for personal growth. Sometimes this happens in a positive way - inspiring and supportive - and sometimes it is painful, when friends seem more focused on their own happiness than on the shared.
The table below shows some possible friendships.
The table indicates that you should consciously invest (time) in friendships (above the red line). However, there is also another way to look at friendships. Even less enjoyable experiences with “friends” can be meaningful, if you can “silverline” (be able to see the good edge of the less enjoyable). Through the mirror of friends, you often get to know yourself very well, too!
Friendship and insecure attachment
Friendships can be complex, especially if insecure attachment is involved. In such cases, friendships can feel one-sided or even toxic. This is because insecure attachment can lead to pleaser or flight behavior, claiming behavior, or just emotional closure. You notice that someone has nice stories, but as soon as it comes to feelings or emotions, clams up or drops out. A friendly, understanding person can suddenly turn into someone who avoids you or jumps into an unsolicited caregiver role.
If you want to read more about (insecure) attachment and behavior, you can read all about it on our attachment page!
The statement here is not to avoid these kinds of friendships, but to be aware of your friendships and everyone's your role in them. A small circle of trust, of “close friends,” is always recommended. This provides space for relaxed sharing and at lesser moments to experience trust and safety.
Friendship and chronic (system) illness
If you are dealing with a chronic systemic disease (such as PDS [irritable bowel syndrome], chronic fatigue or lung Covid, for example) or even a progressive disease, you need friendship even more. To be supported, or to be heard and seen. To find inspiration together, or to talk together about what is still possible or will be possible in the future.
Once you unexpectedly find yourself in this situation, you will find that your friendship patterns change or that friends unfortunately “drop out” unexpectedly. Many people have difficulty dealing with feelings of pain and illness because it activates inner fears. This is a pattern that is often seen and so is usually not down to you personally.
Chronic illness takes its toll (you can read more about it in this article). In a practical sense, you are less able to contribute to connection because over-stimulation makes you unable to go along to dinners, concerts, festivals or other fun things. Or you become quite heavy on friends because of despondency, depression or pain that constantly distracts you from positive thinking.
Your own withdrawal behavior (“don't let anyone bother me” “I can't handle it all right now”) or claiming behavior (“Isn't there anyone who understands me or can help me?!”) also causes more loneliness. With risk of a vicious circle of even more fretting and depression. Learning to resign and accept, focus on what you can do, and energy management is hugely important.
People with chronic systemic diseases are advised during rehabilitation (for example in the SYRE program) to let go of toxic friendships because it simply takes too much energy. Energy that you just don't have right now.
Toxic friendships
Toxic friendships are friendships that cost you more energy than they bring and negatively impact your well-being. Instead of support, fun and trust, they bring stress, uncertainty and exhaustion.
Characteristics of a toxic friendship:
✔ One-sidedness - You give much more than you get back.
✔ Manipulation - The other person plays on your guilt or emotions to get something.
✔ Negative energy - You feel tired, empty or stressed after contact.
✔ Jealousy and competition - Instead of being supportive, the other person tries to undermine your success.
✔ Lack of respect - Your boundaries are ignored and you don't feel taken seriously.
✔ Drama and gossip - There is constant hassle, gossip or conflict.
✔ Control and possessiveness - The other person wants to control who you hang out with and what you do.
One would wonder why someone maintains toxic friendships at all. This may be related to an underlying insecure attachment pattern or trauma. For example, because you are unconsciously “fighting” to be enough, to be loved, and to be seen and heard, and therefore accepting more than is good for you. Or because setting boundaries is difficult for you.
With chronic (systemic) illness, you have a tremendous need for true friendship and try to maintain every contact. But your energy level is low and you can tolerate toxic friends who cost energy less. Indeed, you need friends who understand, inspire, or sometimes just help you!
General advice remains: be aware of the value of friendship. Invest in your positive, mutual friendships. Learn from lesser experiences with people you thought were close friends, and let go of toxic friendships. Everyone is worthy of being loved and seen and heard for who you are.
And that toxic friend(s)? That too can learn and grow. He or she can learn to see that self-centeredness, superficiality or one-sidedness is not a basis for true friendship, and that working on compassion has benefits for positive connection!
