Disorganized attachment
(also called disoriented attachment)
Attachment is the process by which a child connects emotionally with parents or caregivers. These early relationships lay the foundation for how we connect with others later in life, both romantically and socially. While most people develop secure attachment, some people may struggle with disorganized attachment patterns (disorganized attachment), which are often difficult to recognize and can affect relationships and well-being throughout life.
What are disorganized/disoriented attachment patterns?
Disorganized attachment is one of the four main types of attachment theory introduced by psychologist Mary Ainsworth. It is a type of attachment in which a child exhibits conflicting or confusing behaviors toward the caregiver. The child may simultaneously feel anxiety and desire for closeness, but also turn away from the parent, making it difficult to trust the relationship. This pattern may arise in an environment of unpredictability, neglect, or even violence, leaving the child without a clear, safe way to cope with stress or anxiety.
Causes of Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment often occurs in families where there is emotional or physical abuse, neglect or other unpredictable situations. Children develop inner conflict about their relationship with their parents or caregivers. They crave love, closeness and safety, but the parent is simultaneously a source of anxiety or confusion. This pattern can continue through life, affecting how they see themselves and others.
Consequences of Disorganized Attachment in Life
Adults with disorganized attachment patterns may have difficulty forming stable and secure relationships. They may constantly feel uncertain about their worth in relationships and often exhibit unpredictable or withdrawn behaviors. This can lead to:
- Confused or unsafe relationships: You may want to be close to someone, but at the same time have a strong fear of abandonment or rejection.
- Low self-esteem: You may feel unworthy of love, which affects your relationships.
- Difficulty with emotions: You may have difficulty regulating emotions or accepting support from others.
- Problems with trust: Trusting others may be difficult, even if you are in a secure relationship.
How to Recognize Disorganized Attachment?
Disorganized attachment patterns can be subtle, but there are some signs you can recognize:
- Unpredictable reactions to closeness in relationships. Switching between pushing (away) and pulling.
- Fear of abandonment, as well as keeping distance from others for fear of pain or confusion.
- Self-destructive behavior in relationships, such as sabotaging positive connections.
- Repeated unsafe relationships, even when you know they are not good for you.
It can sometimes be confusing to recognize this style because a person may have episodes of bonding or separation anxiety in addition to rapid alternation or show these patterns in successive relationships. Understanding early childhood and patterns of violence/strife/unreliability with or between parents (and child) are particularly important.
Example of Erik and Mirjam
Let's use the example of Erik and Mirjam to show how disorganized attachment patterns can manifest themselves in a relationship.
Erik grew up in a loving family, where he experienced secure attachment. His parents gave him stability, consistency and emotional support. When he felt anxious, he knew he could turn to his parents for comfort and reassurance. As a result, Erik developed a healthy attachment: he feels safe in relationships, is able to express his emotions and has trust in others.
Miriam, on the other hand, grew up in a family where violence and unpredictability were a constant threat. Her father displayed violent behavior, which fueled her feelings of fear and confusion. Although she longed for love and closeness, her parents were not always available in a healthy way. This created a disorganized attachment style in Miriam: she longed for connection, but at the same time feared rejection or pain, which led her to sabotage relationships in various ways.
In their relationship, Erik and Mirjam try to create an emotional bond, but their different attachment styles cause tensions. Erik seeks open communication and closeness, but Mirjam often withdraws when she feels overwhelmed. When Erik opens up emotionally, Mirjam feels uncomfortable and reacts unpredictably - sometimes seeking closeness, but sometimes fleeing. This leads to confusion and frustration in Erik, who feels insecure about the relationship even when it could be safe.
Characteristics of the problems that arise in their relationship
Erik and Miriam's relationship is characterized by a number of dynamics caused by their different attachment styles:
- Miriam alternates between seeking closeness and withdrawing, which confuses Erik.
- Lack of communication: Erik tries to share his feelings, but Mirjam often feels uncomfortable or threatened by his openness and withdraws.
- Fear of abandonment: Mirjam often feels abandoned or misunderstood, even though she has no reason to doubt Erik's love.
- Loss of trust: Mirjam's inconsistent responses may cause Erik to feel insecure about her loyalty and commitment.
- Self-destructive behavior: Mirjam may sabotage herself in the relationship, such as by withdrawing when everything seems to be going well, for fear of pain or rejection.
- Getting stuck in conflicts: Instead of coming to a solution together, they often get caught in the cycle of misunderstandings, leading to frustration and sadness for both of them.
Options for Help: Therapy for Miriam or Relationship Therapy
Now that the dynamics between Erik and Miriam are apparent, it is important to look at possible ways to break this vicious cycle. There are two main options: individual therapy for Mirjam, focused on working on her attachment patterns, or couples therapy, in which both Erik and Mirjam work together to improve their mutual dynamics.
- Therapy for Mirjam
A therapy aimed at treating disorganized attachment patterns in Mirjam would help her understand and process the underlying traumas of her childhood. Therapy would focus on learning how to regulate her emotions and develop a healthier way of dealing with relationships. One possible approach is trauma-informed therapy, in which the therapist works to restore trust in others and in herself.
What might this therapy look like?
- Trauma processing: Addressing the emotional effects of the violence Miriam experienced in her childhood so that she can understand and process her fears and insecurities in relationships.
- Emotional regulation: Mirjam would learn to better regulate her emotions so that she does not automatically react from fear or confused behavior.
- Developing secure attachment: By working to develop a more secure attachment, Mirjam would learn to be confident in her relationships and understand herself better.
- Behavioral experiments: The therapist can help her try out new ways of responding in relationships, such as gradually confronting her fears and practicing healthy emotional closeness. The key here is body- and mindwork. Evaluating experiences in a safe environment for Mirjam.
2. Couples Therapy for Erik and Mirjam
Couples therapy, combined with approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), would focus on improving communication (regarding emerging feelings and emotions) and fostering mutual understanding between Erik and Mirjam. Erik would learn to understand how his secure attachment style contrasts with Mirjam’s disorganized attachment style and how he can better navigate her behavior without losing himself. Mirjam would learn to recognize her emotions and fears more clearly and understand how to regulate her unpredictable responses.
What Might Couples Therapy Look Like?
- Improving Communication: Erik and Mirjam would learn techniques to communicate effectively and without judgment, ensuring that Mirjam doesn’t feel overwhelmed and Erik feels understood.
- Setting Healthy Boundaries: Both partners would work on establishing boundaries that help them maintain both emotional closeness and the space they need within the relationship.
- Building Safety and Trust: Therapy would focus on fostering mutual trust and creating a safe environment where both partners feel heard and valued.
- Conflict Resolution Strategies: Erik and Mirjam would learn how to resolve conflicts without falling into old patterns—avoiding attacks or withdrawal and instead working together to find solution
When Is Therapy Recommended?
If you struggle with forming healthy relationships or feel that your attachment style is affecting your quality of life, therapy can help. This is especially important if you have experienced trauma or abuse in the past. Therapy can help you understand the underlying causes of your attachment style and provide tools for developing healthier relationship skills. In the case of Erik and Mirjam, therapy could help break unhealthy dynamics and improve their relationship.
Disorganized attachment patterns can have a profound impact on a person’s life, but it’s important to know that help is available. Therapy offers a path to healing, allowing individuals with these patterns to build greater trust and stability in their relationships. With awareness and support, people can change their attachment style and create healthy connections that help them thrive. It’s never too late to work on healing attachment wounds and creating a more balanced life.
Would you like to gain deeper insight into your attachment style and how it affects your relationships? Consider coaching or therapy to explore your patterns and build healthier connections—an investment that will benefit you for a lifetime! Keep in mind that insecure attachment is a form of (childhood) trauma, so it’s important to check whether your coach or therapist has experience with attachment patterns. Ideally, therapy is combined with trauma therapy or body-based work. (Want to learn more? Read our article on breaking insecure attachment patterns.)
Want to read more about attachment patterns?
Then visit 7Qi coaching's Attachment Styles page with extensive information and blogs on attachment patterns! For self-coaching or in preparation for a coaching or therapy program.
