What is insecure attachment and how do you break it?
Insecure attachment patterns often cause bonding or separation anxiety in relationships. They therefore have a major impact on your life (happiness).
You read more and more about them these days. Usually, however, it is mostly about what symptoms can indicate insecure attachment (such as flight behavior or neediness, attachment or separation anxiety, but also excessive hard work, burn-out (!) or fear of failure) can be a consequence of insecure attachment.
Yet you usually read less about exactly what that insecure attachment is. About what is going on in your system (body), or about the origins and backgrounds of insecure attachment and most importantly; how to break these insecure attachment patterns! You can read more about that in this article.
Because part of the cause lies in the development of your autonomic nervous system and in stored trauma (“frozen emotions in your body”), breaking attachment patterns usually requires more than just conversations and insight. A combination of cognitive talk (therapy/coaching), EMDR/hypnotherapy, body-oriented therapy and couples therapy has the most impact. It sounds complex but the combination is usually needed. You'll read how it works in this article.
What are symptoms of insecure attachment patterns?
There are four patterns of attachment. I split them for simplicity into three: securely attached or insecurely attached and for the latter: needy or avoidant (the last fourth form we call disoriented: actually an intense combination of alternating needy and fleeing behaviors). With insecure attachment patterns, it is more likely later in life to end up in relationships in a dance of neediness/abandonment anxiety versus bonding/escaping or isolation behavior.
Put more simply, insecure attachment always involves (subconsciously) feelings of “not being worth not being truly loved and insecurity in relationships,” and then choosing compensatory behaviors. Especially if your system is triggered by an event. This is why you see this behavior more when there is tension and when things are not fun for a while in a relationship. The compensatory behavior can be:
1. Trying enormously hard so that you are still worthwhile.
Examples of behaviors that follow:
- Being excessively friendly
- Claiming (always seeking confirmation of one's own dignity)
- Experiencing unworthiness and covering it up (inferiority): Always asking for confirmation, always being insecure. Letting others “just talk” and keeping your own input to yourself.
- Pleasing, always being indulgent, sexually doing things you do not like as much, always giving others their way,
- Neglecting yourself: ignoring your own inner voice or not knowing it at all. Not guarding your own boundaries. Not knowing who you are or what you want. and being focused on others.
- Attuning yourself continuously to the wishes of others (codependence), pushing yourself away.
- Working excessively hard, performing, not being able or allowed to relax, being too demanding on yourself or others), or, giving up and then freezing.
2. Not responding, pushing feelings away, being unreachable or fleeing
Examples of behaviors that follow:
- Always ending relationships early,
- Always looking for a new job
- Having superficial relationships
- Suppressing feelings of anger (subconsciously fearing rejection)
- Constantly going to reason (logic) and ignoring feelings and emotions. Unable or unwilling to deal with feelings or emotions.
- Avoiding or limiting sex to a lot of lust-oriented sex instead of loving intimacy. Sex addiction.
- Eating disorders, A degree of narcissism (self-centeredness so that another cannot reject you) or a degree of borderlining (unreliability, first examining the other person through empathy, and then rejecting, gaslighting, etc.) can also be related to insecure attachment
- Phobias (fears and avoidance) and isolating yourself
It is important to state that the above behaviors do not always imply an insecure attachment pattern. You may be off your “balance” for once, or there may be other causes. However, if it is a pattern, the possibility of insecure attachment is present.
A person with a secure attachment pattern can share and be unconditional. Self-esteem is not damaged because the value of self and other is seen. From this follows respect for self and other. Being able to listen. Being able to share arguments. Being allowed to express feelings and emotions (so also being allowed to be angry or sad but also being able to forgive). Self-assurance: not having the fear that others will judge you. Or if they do, keeping confidence in your self-worth actually.
What are attachment patterns really? What is going on inside me?
More scientific research is needed but things are becoming clearer. Basically, there seems to be a systemic disruption. So it is often not just a way of thinking that you can adjust. Multiple systems in your body can be disrupted (such as your nervous system/alignment between your reptilian brain/limbic brain (emotion/flight/attack/freeze systems) and your cortex (thinking/planning) and they affect each other too! And your (para)sympathetic nervous systeml which is connected to your brain and your heart, lungs, intestines. There may be a number of things going on (in combination!). For example, research/literature finds:
- Learned negative patterns in your cognition (your programming of thoughts in your brain/neo-cortex part of your brain). Negative beliefs, (whether in your subconscious or not) that you continually repeat because you have the “belief” that they are “true. “I don't matter, I'm not good enough, I have to be perfect to be loved, I'm not allowed to make mistakes, I'm ugly, I can't do this etc.). Keep in mind that 95% of your beliefs are stored in your subconscious. That means that in your 5% consciousness you may deny that anything is going on, but from your subconscious mind different behaviors are being driven all the time!
- A disturbance in regulation between your neo-cortex and your reptilian brain and/or limbic brain. Your neo-cortex is simply put particularly for thinking/logic. Your reptilian brain and/or limbic brain particularly for primary flight/attack/freeze and emotion respectively. If you quickly experience a blockage between these “brains” you will be more prone to flight or attack behavior. Also in your relationship/attachment.
- A disruption (misalignment or dysregulation) of your autonomic nervous system (One of your most important nerves is your vagus nerve, which has a 'gas pedal and brake'). Switching to action or coming to rest is controlled. Heart rate, breathing or digestion. But this mechanism is disturbed: your ventral/dorsal system and, in addition, possibly your total (para)sympathetic system gives off disturbed impulses.
- There is trauma (from unreliable, angry or absent parents or from later traumatic experiences caused by some form of, for example, conflict, abuse, violence, belittling or ignoring which your brain cannot process. Trauma is essentially the result of emotions that cannot be expressed and therefore are “stored” in your body (e.g., in your fascia, the membrane between your skin and muscles). Because your thoughts and emotions cannot be expressed and/or connection with your feelings and emotions is disrupted, blockages occur. You freeze. Your thinking and feeling become separated. Trauma is sometimes called frozen emotion. These blockages then act on your nervous system and cognition. As soon as trauma impacts the way you enter into relationships, or don't dare to enter into relationships anymore, in my view there is also unsafe attachment.
Why this 'technical' treatment of attachment patterns? Because it is important to realize, that it is about a systemic pattern and therefore different types of treatment can be (needed) for regulation, or in combination more effective treatment is possible. You can read more about it below.
How do insecure attachment patterns arise?
First of all, how do these insecure attachment patterns arise. These inner system disruptions? Why, for example, can two children from the same family still have different attachment patterns? Or why and how can a securely attached person still develop unsafe attachment patterns? It is useful to realize the following to check for yourself to what extent there may be disturbances in yourself as a cause of an insecure attachment pattern.
Genetic predisposition
The development of your body (and therefore your brain, nervous system, etc.) is genetically determined. So before you even enter into a relationship (with your mother, father, family, friends or colleagues) you have (an innate) predisposition to develop more or less abnormalities in your body/system. Through generations, a pattern can develop that has genetic consequences. Spiritual literature does point out the impact of ancestral patterns. But even scientifically (in epi genetics) it is pointed out that the expression of certain genetic traits can be influenced.
Basically, patterns from your ancestors can be passed from parent to child. An anxious or aggressive parent will exhibit anxious or aggressive behavior that the child has to “deal with. Those fears or aggression may be caused by unsafe attachment from your parent themselves. Realize that in this sense we can be victims of victims of victims. And that due to genetic factors you may be more susceptible to stress or predisposed to insecure attachment.
Experiences in your first months/years
In the first months of your life, your so-called dorsal/ventral system (of your parasympathetic nervous system) develops. This system partly regulates how you are relationally oriented and dare to attach.
Premature birth or an absent parent just after birth, or a strongly emotionally absent parent just after birth (grief or anger or because of problems emotionally unstable parent) influence the development of your dorsal/ventral system, and thus how you handle relationships. A relationship is not just something cognitive (thinking). A baby does not yet have a developed brain. But emotions interfere with the development of the baby's dorsal/ventral system.
As a baby, you are totally dependent on your parent(s) or caregivers. Without being fed (and you can't ask for that yet) you die! So soon a baby learns with facial expressions (facial expressions), sounds or firm noises (screaming, crying) how a parent responds, and whether your need for feeding, attention or rest is understood. But even at this stage, inner anxiety and frustration can arise. Because of an angry, frightened or absent parent who (does not) respond to your signals. Frustration that cannot yet be regulated by your brain because it is still developing.
Perception of facial expressions and reactions to behavior are processed. Mirror neurons play an important role here (your body literally reacts to perception of behavior in your environment. You mimic. Thus, the first months of your life, and your neural development already influence how you experience relationships or will experience them in the future. And the (emotional) availability of the parent may be different in one child than in the next! Therefore, things may turn out differently with your sibling.
Experiences during your upbringing
In most articles on insecure attachment, you will come across this factor. If your parents gave you space, gave you trust, were emotionally stable, and were there for you at times when you needed it, the likelihood of secure attachment is greatest. You learned in safety that your parents are available when you need them and give you space when you seek it. It is not until around age 24 that your brain is fully developed! Usually we see that between puberty and adolescence, securely attached children dare to distance themselves more and more from the parent(s) and develop their own life values. But the parents remain available for difficult moments.
Parents who were fearful ('just don't do this', 'be careful...', you can't do this and that, don't give room for experimentation, impose excessive rules and etiquette) or angry parents (anger, violence, aggression, frequent punishment, strict rules with consequences) or absent parents (away a lot for work, ignoring the child, mutual quarrels without attention for the child, etc.) lead to insecure attachment. As a child, you develop compensatory behaviors to avoid unpleasant feelings or consequences. Neediness, attention seeking, or avoidance/escape.
An unreliable parent, sometimes loving, sometimes aggressive, sometimes anxious leads to disoriented attachment. Intensive and continuous alternation after triggers bonding or separation anxiety.
External influences that affect the parent-child bond (adoption, poverty, war, violence, lack of nutrition, pain of discrimination, fears) also play an important influence through your parents or caregivers, and can ultimately lead to insecure attachment.
Experiences in love relationships (after adolescence).
Beginning in adolescence, you enter into more amorous relationships with others. A relationship with someone with attachment or separation anxiety can also change your attachment pattern. You can imagine that if you yourself are insecurely attached, and have a relationship with another person who has an insecure attachment pattern, this reinforces the insecure effect in you. Switching between a needy or avoidant attachment style, or intensifying your please-or-flight behavior may result. A relationship between someone with attachment anxiety and someone with commitment anxiety can produce a veritable roller coaster of emotions. After a relationship in which you were needy and did everything in your power to keep your partner in which the relationship was eventually ended against your will, you may suddenly in a subsequent relationship “let the cat out of the tree” or shield your feelings and become avoidant. But even if you were securely attached during your upbringing and end up in unsafe relationships, you can still develop an unsafe attachment style.
The good news is: through the pain and distress in these unstable relationships (caused by the other person, yourself or both), awareness of your own patterns can emerge and you can address them! People with insecure attachment are more likely to work on self-awareness earlier in life.
Experiences in relationships with others, for example, your friends or work (colleagues/managers).
Not only love relationships affect your attachment pattern. Relationships with others, your friends, or colleagues or your manager can also be influential. I usually say myself: love is unconditional, but relationships are conditional. You have many kinds of relationships. Again, your own attachment patterns and those of the other person play a role, and there is a “dance” between neediness and avoidance in the case of insecure attachment, which can eventually lead to intensification (or reduction) of your patterns.
A manager may be unreasonably demanding, or unsafe to approach or, on the contrary, constantly absent when problems arise. Colleagues may be pleasers, or unreachable. But things can also be more subtle. From your inner insecurity you can show excessive commitment, which is actually stimulated and can be dangerous if you do not guard your limits. Or a compensating talent (e.g. being able to communicate well because you have learned to regulate things by talking a lot) can be appreciated, and even stimulated. Perhaps you actually want to develop an entirely different talent. Ultimately, this can land you in a major burnout!
The same goes for friends (as long as you still allow such friendships in your life). So important question is: Do I know myself, and can I be fully myself with me friends? Do I feel safe and am I not immediately judged by an emotional mood (sadness, anger)? Am I allowed to be vulnerable and can we safely have conversations about vulnerable topics? In a culture of reason and superficiality and outward appearances, this is not always easy!
Circumstances/fate
Not everything in life is a given. Circumstances can influence your attachment patterns. Things that affect your inner fears and trigger your attachment patterns. A long-term illness and dependency, unemployment, aggression or war, violence on computers or television and other things. Inner fears and (repressed) emotions can intensify your attachment pattern. And also that of your life partner. For example, pressure at work can suddenly make someone more intense in neediness or avoidance in relationships. A kind person under pressure can suddenly turn into an avoider or an angry person!
So the key is not always to look (only) at your childhood experiences when working with attachment patterns. All (negative) experiences in relationships with others can be influential.
Breaking attachment patterns
Attachment patterns are just human. Secure attachment has benefits, but many develop unsafe attachment (attachment) patterns. Scientific research estimates 70% of us are securely attached and 30% unsafely attached. But with “hardening” of life, an accepted morality that relationships are more easily broken, and more focus on consuming (including relationships) and performance pressures, the likelihood of insecure attachment has increased.
Now that you have a better understanding of the essence of potentially disturbed attachment in your system, and its possible causes, we can reflect on ways to break attachment patterns.
(Coaching or therapy) Conversations (reasoning/neo-cortex):
Getting clear what's going on with you (or your partner) in terms of symptoms, causes and possible system malfunctions. Changing beliefs. Seeing that certain thought patterns are not serving you. What underlying beliefs are influencing your behavior/patterns. Practicing with rethinking (e.g. with core quadrants or the work/byron katie) and learning to see through (non)duality can help. Shaping personal leadership: choosing between fear or love-oriented living.
Affirmations (reasoning/neo-cortex):
Positive affirmations “imprint”: by regularly reading certain positive beliefs, saying them out loud, repeating them frequently, you can influence your brain. Simply put: by repeating it frequently, you start to believe it and behave accordingly. An example:
* I'm safe, I'll be fine.
* You can do it
* I like you
* You're a beautiful person
* You get the wind
* I'm always lucky
* All is well, all is well and makes sense
* All is love
* I'm loved, I'm worth being loved
* I'm allowed to make mistakes, I don't have to be perfect
The point is not so much that this is the truth, but that you believe this is the truth. With that, the likelihood of behavior directed from these beliefs is greater. And with that, the likelihood of others reacting to you from there in an attuned way. Thereby, it can become a selffulfilling prophecy (a self-perpetuating thing). Indirectly, this often allows you to remain calmer, and less likely to be pushed (flee/attack/freeze or emotional) into your reptilian/limbic brain.
EFT: Emotionally Focused Therapy (if ... what do I/you feel?)
The essence of EFT is that you learn to recognize and share feelings and emotions (if you do this then this happens to me ....) and learn to understand (yourself and each other) better, and as a result respond better to each other. You stay calmer and are less likely to get into your reptilian/limbic brain (flee/attack/freeze). You deepen your relationships by not only sticking to observation and reasoning, but also seeing through feelings and emotions, taking them seriously, and accepting them as human and normal. Possibly agreeing signals when you experience strong feelings or triggers.
Nb. a feeling is a state of mind, a sensation (for example, being sad, or angry, or anxious, hot or cold, tense or relaxed). An emotion is letting and discharging strong feelings by, for example, crying, expressing anger with e.g. your voice, or stamping your feet, etc. We have been taught in our culture for centuries to suppress our emotions. Also in relationships. And being able to and allowed to release emotions is extremely important in order not to develop trauma. Therefore, in a relationship where you want to experience safety, it is important to be able to share and discuss feelings and emotions. So that you can be more considerate of each other and do not trigger each other unnecessarily.
EMDR and Hypnotherapy (From Subconsciousness to Consciousness)
I already mentioned that 95% of our thoughts/beliefs are stored subconsciously. EMDR and Hypnotherapy are a method, to bring these to the surface (your 5% consciousness). Technically speaking (I put it very black/white simple): the beta waves in your brain (waking state) are consciousness, the Alpha/Smr/Theta waves (resting/dreaming state) your subconscious. With EMDR (an alternating beep in your ears and/or eye movements) or hypnotherapy (a type of guided meditation/hypnosis), you can influence the waves in your brain; go to your Alpha/Smr/Theta state and use it to explore images or beliefs. Learning what is going on in your subconscious mind. And influence your subconscious by, for example, hearing positive affirmations in your Alpha/Smr/Theta state from your brain.
Bodywork (para)sympathetic nervous system) and relaxing team sports
Through bodywork (breath therapy, massage and conversation, vibrating your body, mirror interaction [for example, throwing a ball over, or other interactive activity] you can influence the functioning of your (para)sympathetic nervous system. Your sympathetic nervous system is your gas pedal (adrenaline/cortisol production) and your parasympathetic nervous system is your brake. Through exercises you can learn to observe how that works in your body. And thus recalibrate and adjust your inner regulation. Counting to 10 when you are emotional, or taking three calm breaths first, is not just an observation!
Your heart rate variance is measurable (there are apps for your phone) and says something about the rhythm of your heart. With breathing exercises, your heart rate can be influenced. And thus your inner stress level. Not for nothing have breathing techniques been an important yoga flow for centuries!
By the way, it is a myth that you can totally 'reset' that system in a short time / after one or a few body-oriented sessions. Your (para)sympathetic nervous system is a complex system that is constantly in motion. Through regularly repeated bodywork you can influence it. An example of (a scientifically based) method is the 'Wim Hof' method (breathwork combined with mindwork and ice baths!). Mindfullness and meditation is also influential.
The power of bodywork is also increasingly recognized in science. And certainly in trauma treatment, for example, it is clear that the impact of cognitive conversations alone is small, and that it is precisely in combination (!) with bodywork that better results can be achieved. After all, it's about releasing frozen emotions. And reconnecting between brain and body.
In more spiritual circles this has been practiced for some time. Ancient tantric rituals (tantra has little to do with the new age translation of sex! It stands for spiritual currents) are (cold) water pours, trembling, trampling and screaming. A practice practiced in Bali by priests and therapists for hundreds of years and still actively practiced, as well as ecstatic dance, sometimes with shouting and crying, or vibrating movements. Something that is viewed with suspicion in our “sober” rational society but has been used successfully for thousands of years. Soothing massage or theta healing, singing bowl therapy, meditation and mindfulness, or working with essential oils is also widely used in Asia to regulate tension. And thus the interaction between cortex and limbic and/or (para)sympathetic nervous system. With the New Age movement, these methods arrived in the world via the USA. And more and more involved in scientific research. Meanwhile, the positive effect of mindfulness, meditation, yoga or body-oriented therapy is more known and accepted in our society.
Nutrition is also an important form of bodywork. It is now clear that your microbiome (the combination of substances and bacteria in your intestines) has a great influence on your (para)sympathetic nervous system. If you eat healthy unprocessed food, plenty of unsprayed vegetables, not too much meat (and if you eat it at all then preferably organic/responsible meat) and also take enough water your nervous system will respond positively. Sweet sodas, French fries and other processed foods (everything in packets or with e-numbers) will literally make you less chill. Who would have thought! That how you eat can affect how you feel relationally and affect your attachment patterns!!! As with food, this also applies to sleep/rest/relaxation. All body work. Rule of thumb is: stress triggers your insecure attachment, calmness makes you able to change your attachment patterns.
Finally, (team) sports (but not hugely performance-oriented but more relaxing) is useful in this context. You relax, make physical (indirect) contact with others and by anticipating each other you stimulate your (para)sympathetic nervous system in a positive sense.
Basically, insecure attachment is (also) a form of trauma. Therefore, trauma treatment is also effective in this context. In trauma treatment, body work is essential. If you want to know more about this, the book “the body keeps the score” by Bessel van der Kolk is highly recommended!
Spiritual healing
Some believe in the existence of a higher energy acting on you. In a universe, God, or the Divine. Religion and shamanism still preaches humanity, compassion and principles of unconditional love and the importance of lasting relationships. Science, too, now sees through quantum physics and the theory of relativity that more realities can take place simultaneously in a different time/space concept. There science meets spirituality (people like Einstein or Steven Hawking or Niels Bohr were, not dumb guys, and believed that there is more than what you perceive here in time/space and ... not insignificantly, demonstrated that scientifically). Highly recommended in this context is Joe Dispenza's book, becoming supernatural, which explains how you can use kundalini meditation to influence your reality.
Whether you believe in spirituality and/or science, even the power of “placebo/nocebo” plays a role here: your subconscious can influence your body systems (and thus your attachment impulses) in a positive way! An imprint that a prayer, yoga, meditation, etc. helps changes your system in a positive sense!
Some closing remarks
Nurture secure relationships (with everyone!).
With unsafe attachment, building trust in relationships with yourself and others is essential. Some relationships feel more secure than others. This may be due in part to a secure attachment pattern in the other person, but also to a more -love-focused rather than fear-focused- basic attitude. Sharing, safety, compassion, comfort, respect, hope, kindness, interest, listening and empathy) bring peace and trust. Competition, always discussion, turmoil, addiction, and a craving for more, money, power, things brings turmoil and no lasting happiness. And precisely being able to “sooth” (function in peace and affirmation) gives a sense of security. Within yourself and with others.
Consider for yourself. What do your relationships and friendships look like? Are you allowed to have fun together but are you and the other person also able to express vulnerability or emotions? The more unconditional your friendship is, the more important the relationship will be for you.
Discipline is good, is trainable and can promote calmness.
But pay attention! There is a difference between building skills and shaping passion, or being constantly concerned with perfection, pleasing and never good enough. Occasional tension is fine in life but continuous tiptoeing and running away or attacking is disastrous. Pulsating between tension and relaxation is the motto!
Demanding partner or manager?
Realize that nothing is what it seems. Others may appear calm or confident but attachment plays a role for every person. Perhaps the other person is unaware of inner (attachment) patterns and is therefore so pleasing or aggressive. “Every body has a story” used to be written on the wall of my gym. Every body is different and requires customization. And that's just the way it is! By seeing through what is going on, you preserve inner peace, and you activate your inner (attachment) fears less!
Listening to your body's signals
If you are “in your head” a lot (i.e. thinking a lot, brooding, rationally reasoning everything out), or if you are often suddenly absent or if your thinking seems totally separated from your body/feeling/emotions (numb or in another dimension), learn to listen to your body as well. As you now know, with thinking you only address the 5% consciousness of your brain. Your body has its own language. Getting hot or cold, tension, irritability, stored trauma, sudden emotions (e.g. suddenly crying at an event or movie or suddenly experiencing anger). Are you aware of these?
Your body, as described above, is a huge (complex) intelligent system and just wants to help you. Dare to relax when tense, sleep enough when tired and take healthy food. That sounds like a cop-out, but it has a direct impact on your inner peace, self-confidence and state of mind.
Allow yourself to grow
Attachment patterns do not change with an on/off switch. Allow yourself the time to be allowed to learn and grow. To let go and change. If necessary, seek guidance in doing so. Do not see a broken relationship as a failure, but as a step in your learning process. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Improve the world, start with yourself
Insecure attachment/attachment and separation anxiety might have a much bigger impact on our well-being than we think. And certainly on the world we live in. In a world where fears are played on (with control measures, performance focus), insecurity and therefore insecurity are triggered. In a world where beautiful pictures are continuously shown via social media, feelings of insecurity or inferiority may also be triggered. The same goes for polarization, fear culture or aggression.
Attachment, social contacts and loving relationships are the basis for safe development in your life. For (self) acceptance and (self) appreciation. So it is worthwhile to think about them consciously. And especially: to practice and apply it in your relationships with others. You grow towards safer attachment.
Spectrum
Finally, it is important to state that insecure attachment is a “spectrum” concept. You can have insecure attachment on a scale of zero to one hundred percent. A little, or a lot. Triggered quickly, or only at intense or certain events. The moment it interferes with your functioning, negatively affects your relationships, prevents you from loving life or interferes with your life's happiness, it makes sense to seek support.
