Numbing and flight behavior in anxious avoidant attachment
Avoidant attachment: The fear of closeness and how to break it
Avoidant attachment is one of the insecure attachment styles that cause a person to have difficulty with emotional intimacy and constantly withdraw from relationships, for example. There is a deep-seated fear of dependency and vulnerability.
In another blog, we describe another avoidant attachment style where a narcissistic behavior is learned as a coping mechanism. But often an avoidant attachment is accompanied by a mechanism of “numbing” - flattening emotionally to avoid pain and discomfort and escape behaviors: isolation during a relationship, a “blinkered” relationship where distance is always sought, or always ending relationships to avoid feelings and emotions. This is what we will address in this article. What does this mean in practice and how does it affect one's relationships?
How does an avoidant attachment style develop?
An avoidant attachment style often arises in childhood when parents are emotionally distant or do not respond appropriately to the child's emotional needs. This can manifest itself in a variety of ways:
- Parents who are absent, dismissive or indifferent to emotions: For example, when a child cries or wants to be comforted and the parent says, “Don't fuss” or “Fix it yourself.” or This teaches the child that showing emotion is not appreciated.
- Too early emphasis on independence: When parents constantly encourage a child to be “tough” or “self-reliant” without providing adequate support, the child may conclude that dependency is undesirable.
- No room for vulnerability: If parents themselves have difficulty with emotional expression, they may unconsciously pass on the same pattern to their child.
A child who experiences these reactions repeatedly develops a survival strategy in which they suppress emotions and learn to rely primarily on themselves. Later in life, this can result in a pattern of avoidant attachment, where it is difficult to establish emotional connection without feeling threatened or uncomfortable. And withdrawing behavior (attachment anxiety) as a result: fleeing to other relationships, or always seeking “own” space during a relationship and not really engaging in dialogue about togetherness and not taking responsibility for one's own role in the relationship.
Example: Lara's pattern in relationships
Lara is someone with an avoidant attachment style. In her relationships, she repeatedly notices that she withdraws the moment it gets too close emotionally. Although she longs for connection, it also feels like a threat. As a result, she blames the other person and avoids her own pain and fears. This pattern has repeated itself several times in her relationships:
- Relationship with Tom (anxiously attached).
Tom had a strong need for affirmation and closeness. He wanted to see Lara often and found it difficult if she kept her distance. The more he insisted, the more Lara felt suffocated and closed off emotionally. Each time after a period of first having fun and then ending the relationship, the dynamic became clearer: the more Tom tried his best to understand and be considerate of Lara in order not to lose her, the fasterLara sought seclusion at home or with friends. Finally, she broke up with him permanently because she felt “suffocated” and that Tom expected too much of her. She blamed herself for not having simply listened to her “feelings” earlier. - Relationship with Daan (securely attached).
Daan was patient and could give space, but noticed that Lara kept him out emotionally. When he tried to have in-depth conversations, Lara reacted lukewarm or distant. Lara clammed up at those conversations or suggested “just do something nice. She kept up the appearance that everything was ok and did not share her feelings. With friends, she indicated that Daan sometimes just 'acted really difficult'. Daan noticed the separation and eventually felt unappreciated in the relationship and chose to end it. Lara felt rejected in this, but put the blame on Daan by saying he was claiming and did not really understand her. - Relationship with Bart (avoidant attachment, like Lara).
With Bart it seemed to click perfectly at first, because neither of them made many emotional demands on each other. Yet it became a relationship with no real depth, with both going their separate ways more and more often. Lara went on vacation with her girlfriend and didn't coordinate anything with Bart. Bart did feel something was going on but told his friends he couldn't name what was there. Sometimes it was fun, sometimes they just needed their space. A friend of Bart's once remarked that he never heard anything about Bart's real feelings for Lara. But Bart indicated that both he and Lara didn't need “those kinds of conversations. Eventually the relationship ended, and Lara told herself that “love just doesn't work for her. To her friends, she told them that nowadays it's really quite common to be single and people shouldn't dramatize so much about relationships.
In all these relationships, Lara does not immediately see her own pattern. She feels misunderstood, overwhelmed or rejected, but the core is that she herself unconsciously sabotages the emotional connection. Both her own inner connection with feelings and emotions and that with her partners.
This is also reflected in her friendships. There, too, Lara is a cheerful person who is up for fun things, but talking about things she feels vulnerable about is never discussed. Among her friends, Lara is known as cheerful and a good listener. But her intimate thoughts and fears or frustrations are talked about little to nothing. Conversations remain superficial or are just about what is going on with her friends.
In relationships she says she feels bored “more quickly”, but it seems that in more intimate relationships she more quickly ends up in numbing (withdrawing and seeking distraction) or flight behavior. That makes sense, because a love relationship is intimate and feelings and emotions are more likely to come into play because of pressure. As long as Lara doesn't look at her own behavior and point to her partners, she runs the risk of ending up in unstable relationships again and again and ultimately disappointed. By also looking at her own behavior, she can learn to see feelings and emotions as important and enriching experiences.
There are other possibilities for Lara
At some point, Lara begins to wonder why relationships keep ending the same way. Although she often seeks blame outside herself, she also notices that she feels lonely and that her strategy of suppressing emotion does not ultimately make her happy. She learns that avoidant attachment does not mean she is incapable of love, but that her pattern stems from old fears and protective mechanisms.
Through coaching or therapy, Lara can learn how to recognize her own fears and patterns and how, step by step, she can be more open to emotional connection without becoming overwhelmed. This takes time and practice, but it is possible to grow into a more secure attachment pattern.
How do you help someone with avoidant attachment?
People with avoidant attachment styles do not change simply because of pressure from others. It is important to respect their boundaries and invite them to connect in a safe way. Here are some ways to support them:
- Be patient and nonjudgmental: They often have a deep-seated fear of dependency, so pushing is counterproductive.
- Show that emotions are welcome: By creating a safe space where emotions are allowed to exist, they gradually learn that vulnerability is not dangerous.
- Avoid blaming: Instead of saying “You always shut down,” ask “What do you feel when we talk about this issue?
- Encourage self-reflection: People with avoidant attachment need to discover for themselves that their pattern is not helping; guide them toward these insights rather than forcing them.
- Encourage professional help: Therapy can help explore and break through deeply held beliefs and fears.
With understanding, patience and the right guidance, someone like Maartje can learn to overcome her fear of closeness and build healthier relationships. The path to secure attachment is possible, but begins with awareness and the courage to allow change step by step.
Talking about feelings and emotions: the key to a deeper connection
Really talking openly about feelings strengthens the bond between partners. Sharing fears, desires and insecurities (respectfully!) creates greater understanding and trust. This helps prevent misunderstandings and resolve conflicts in a healthy way.
Emotional communication also increases intimacy. Allowing vulnerability allows loved ones to get to know each other on a deeper level. This strengthens empathy and helps to be more responsive to each other's needs.
Finally, talking about emotions helps the relationship grow. Conflicts are not avoided but discussed in a constructive way. This prevents distance and ensures a loving, stable relationship.
Reading about, or talking about, your attachment is good. But realize that changing your insecure attachment pattern is a growth process. And that coaching or therapy for insecure attachment is work on developmental trauma. A combination of cognitive coaching/therapy and bodywork. You can read more about it in the article Breaking Insecure Attachment Patterns!
Allow yourself time to grow as well. Especially sharing your self-insight during a relationship can help. Because the basis of a loving relationship is to allow each other to learn and grow. To be heard and seen. For who you are, what you do and what you feel. And growing together is perhaps even more fun than growing alone.
Want to read more about attachment patterns?
Then visit 7Qi coaching's Attachment Styles page with extensive information and blogs on attachment patterns! For self-coaching or in preparation for a coaching or therapy program.
